Loneliness is what we feel when there’s too much space—real or imagined—between ourselves and others.
Many artists and authors have attempted to capture the essence of this emotion. Jack Kerouac’s novel On the Road is one example. The main character is visiting friends while on a cross-country road trip. When it’s time to go, he’s gripped by loneliness: “What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? It’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye.”
When loneliness strikes, we’re painfully aware of the space between ourselves and others, a “too-huge world” that can seem too wide to cross. Many life situations bring up this feeling, such as when a relationship ends, when we move to a new place, or when we don’t feel appreciated or understood by those around us.
Whatever the trigger, loneliness is the gravitational pull we feel toward companionship and community. Although often uncomfortable, loneliness contains great wisdom, because it reminds us of our need for human connection and motivates us to seek it out.
Loneliness vs. Being Alone
Feeling lonely is about more than our proximity to others. Loneliness can strike when we’re physically alone, but it can also happen when we’re around others and feel unappreciated or misunderstood.
This makes loneliness different from merely being alone. The chart below highlights this distinction:
| Loneliness vs. Being Alone | |
|---|---|
| Loneliness | Being alone |
| A feeling or perception | An external condition or reality |
| Subjective | Objective |
| Not readily measurable since it’s an inner experience | Measurable by looking at number and frequency of social contacts |
Loneliness and being alone can exist independently of one other, but they can also occur together. For example, some people feel lonely, but aren’t physically alone, while others are both lonely and alone.
How Loneliness Feels
Loneliness tends to feel uncomfortable, empty, and anxiety-provoking. Feeling cut off from others puts our nervous systems into an alarm state. We’re hard-wired for connection, so we interpret a lack of connection as a threat.
When anxiety is present, rumination or intrusive thoughts can easily follow. These tend to take the form of self-blame (“It’s my fault I’m lonely”) or dire predictions for the future (“I’ll always be lonely” or “I’ll never find someone who likes me”). Unless challenged, these thoughts can lead to sadness, substance use, or even depression, adding to the burden of loneliness. When that happens, people often withdraw, which usually worsens their loneliness.
Shame is yet another sister emotion to loneliness. When shame hits, we might feel that loneliness is embarrassing or humiliating, something we shouldn’t be feeling. Even if this isn’t true, it’s easy to believe when under the sway of loneliness.
While loneliness can feel uncomfortable, it’s not always without value. Loneliness reminds us of the beauty of shared experiences with others. Without this reminder, it’s easy to overlook the importance of connection and community.
Causes and Contributing Factors
Four things are especially likely to trigger or amplify loneliness:
- Early family experiences
- Life circumstances
- Cultural trends
- Social style & habits
Early Family Experiences
Childhood experiences can predispose us to feel lonely as adults. The first relationship we know is that with our caregivers. If this relationship was loving, reliable, and responsive, we’re more likely to trust and commit to relationships as adults. This is known as “secure attachment.” Those with secure attachment tend to be less lonely.
By contrast, if our relationship with our caregivers was inconsistent, unstable, or abusive, we’re apt to distrust future relationships. Early experiences of relationship betrayal or turmoil also play a role. This leads to “insecure attachment” and typically means being overly anxious about relationships or very hesitant to commit to them. Either response can lead to loneliness.
| Attachment Style Impact on Loneliness | |
|---|---|
| Secure attachment | Insecure attachment |
| Positive experiences with past relationships | Negative experiences with past relationships |
| Adult relationships are sought out, trusted, and invested in | Adult relationships are avoided, distrusted, and/or worried about |
| Feels consistently connected | Does not feel consistently connected |
| Loneliness less likely | Loneliness more likely |
An insecure attachment style isn’t etched in stone. With time and effort, people can work toward secure attachment and feel lonely less often. It’s also normal to experience insecure attachment from time to time, even if one had loving and attentive parents.
Life Circumstances
Loneliness is often a product of our life circumstances.
Relationship loss is a common culprit. This could be the loss of a friendship, romantic partner, family member, or community. When our connection to others is severed, we immediately feel its lack. Since life is full of loss, we’re destined to feel lonely in these moments.
Loneliness can also stem from illness, disability, poverty, having few social outlets, and feeling unfulfilled at work. Life transitions, such as retirement or major moves, also play a role.
Cultural Trends
Loneliness has been on the rise for years in the United States. One study showed that nearly half of American adults feel lonely on a daily basis. What’s behind this epidemic of loneliness?
One explanation is our culture’s emphasis on individualism over communities. In the past, there was more support for community outlets organized around common interests. Today, many people live more solitary lives. We often spend more time with people online than in person, which can make us feel more distant.
These social conditions pose challenges to finding connection and community.
Social Style & Habits
Certain social styles can make loneliness more likely. For example, introverts often avoid social interactions, particularly large groups. This means introverts may experience loneliness more frequently than extroverts, who are typically more willing to invest themselves socially.
Some habits can trigger or worsen loneliness, such as the following:
- Prioritizing the quantity over the quality of social interactions
If you’re lonely, you might want to make more and more friends. But oftentimes your efforts are better spent improving the quality of your existing relationships. - Overusing social media at the expense of in-person interactions
Social media isn’t inherently bad, but research shows that the longer you spend online, the more likely you are to suffer negative consequences, such as loneliness. - Viewing loneliness as inherently bad
While it often doesn’t feel great, loneliness can help you get to know yourself better and increase your appreciation for companionship and community. - Not being authentic or vulnerable around others
To feel connected to others, you have to risk being your authentic self. This means sharing who you are and what you care about with others.
Responses to Loneliness
How we respond to loneliness hugely determines its impact and staying power.
Feel It, Don’t Resist It
We tend to push away loneliness by doing things like staying excessively busy, zoning out on our phones, binge-watching TV, using food or substances, and rushing into a relationship before we’re ready.
These are understandable responses, but they usually make loneliness worse. When it comes to uncomfortable emotions, what we resist will persist.
In other words, the harder you push away an emotion, the more you’ll end up trapped in it. You can probably recall a time when you tried to repress an uncomfortable emotion, only to find that it stayed with you, stewing beneath the surface.
A paradox is at play here: The best way to get past loneliness is to allow yourself to feel it fully. Without fully accepting what you’re feeling, you can end up forever running from your experience.
This doesn’t mean you never do something about loneliness. It just means you first allow yourself to experience loneliness without pushing it away. You’re then better equipped to take steps to change your situation for the better.
Be Kind to Yourself
When we feel lonely, we often assume there’s something wrong with us. We may even believe we’re not worthy of love and connection.
Just as we can change our resistance to loneliness, we can also change how we think about it. Have a look at how different interpretations of loneliness lead to different outcomes for two individuals:
| Interpreting Loneliness | |
|---|---|
| Two people move to a new town where they don’t know anyone. A month after moving, they are feeling very lonely. But each interprets this differently: | |
| Person A | Person B |
| Interpretation: “There must be something wrong with me since I’m having trouble making new friends. What’s the point of trying since others will just reject me?” | Interpretation: “It’s normal to feel lonely after moving. There’s nothing wrong with me. I just need more time to make new friends. It may take a while, but I’ll get there.” |
| Resulting emotions: sadness, hopelessness, self-blame | Resulting emotions: hope, confidence, perseverance |
| Resulting behaviors: withdrawal, isolation, rumination | Resulting behaviors: attending events, talking to others |
Person A blames themselves and assumes their loneliness will last forever. By contrast, person B blames their circumstances and assumes their loneliness is just temporary. These different outlooks lead to very different consequences: Person A withdraws or isolates themselves, while person B feels motivated to take positive action.
This example shows how your mindset can dramatically impact how intensely and frequently you feel lonely.
Loneliness in a Nutshell
Emotions are often more complex than they appear at first glance. Loneliness is no exception.
To understand an emotion, we have to grasp the purpose it serves. When it comes to loneliness, that purpose is to motivate us to seek out meaningful connections with others. In this sense, loneliness is a helpful compass that points us in the direction of companionship and community.
Loneliness is only a problem when it persists for a long time and negatively affects well-being. When that happens, it’s important to take action. A good first step is to allow yourself to feel lonely without resisting it. This helps you avoid needlessly prolonging loneliness by pushing it away.
Other important steps:
- Reject the belief that something’s wrong with you,
- Improve the quality of your social interactions,
- Prioritize in-person interactions over online ones, and
- Be your authentic self around others.
These strategies improve loneliness by deepening your connections with others, changing how you think about loneliness, and helping you share with greater openness and authenticity.
